Hope.

1 Sep

I woke up this morning and felt hopeful. I lay there and just smiled and cuddled Ali. I just felt happy, hopeful and calm. I’ve had a rough couple of day but today, the start of September was going to be good, not good amazing. It wasn’t anything amazingly different but I relaxed today and apart from a slight wobble this afternoon. The way forward doesn’t need to be massive or exciting every day. September’s here and it looks pretty damn good :)

A year in the life of a Fresher – Looking back

31 Aug

So this is it, I’ve come to the end of having the tag ‘fresher’. As of tomorrow it will be September, when I feel I’m an official 2nd year as well as my last few weeks of being a teenager. First year was full of challenges, full of fun and no doubt the best thing I have ever done in my life. I have so much to write about, so much I’ve done this year and I can see just how well I’ve done to get here. This time last year I wanted to start the blog, I was terrified and didn’t know if I’d get though a term…now I want to stay an extra 1 or 2 years to do my Masters.

Before I put all the pictures up of the great moments from this year I want to thank you all and assure you that as of tomorrow I will start writing on the page entitled Surviving Second Year  I want to carry on this blog through uni and beyond. I have over 100 of you following this blog, nearly 300 twitter followers and as of yesterday set up an Instagram ( ChloeMetz_).

I’m proud of so much I’ve achieved this year and apparently  I can’t add photos of everything (damn).

September 

It started with playing Tetris with the car, some emotional goodbyes and going to Sainsbury’s in the pouring rain. I got used to shopping for myself, went to two balls, at one I got hideously drunk through nerves (oops) and the other stayed completely sober in a beautiful dress and had a great time. My 19th birthday wasn’t the best, but I knew people cared. In the first week I got to meet Deaf Havana, get my ID and Hoodie, meet some new people and start to work things out for myself. I was tired and handling my illness the best I could, although not always how I wanted to. I went to lectures and became amazed with how much brain hurt but also how much I loved it. I saw Paramore AGAIN, got over my fear of buses and learned that a lot of freshers don’t sleep…

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October 

Things changed in October, I started to realise who I was. I saw Sir Trevor McDonald and laughed with Joe (as I did for the rest of the year). I disagreed with people and realised that was ok. I got a kidney infection (not my best move) and had to go home for a little bit to get looked after. I got my finally A* and saw Tonight Alive and I had to start learning to pick myself up when I was alone. I got offered a job and had my first ever night out with the girls (thanks Bekkie!). I had so many late nights and went home to gig again for Reading week, six weeks already done!

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November 

Coming back to uni with a cheeky nose piercing! Then there was a special birthday, Ali’s 20th with a party of the two flats at Kingston hill and a visit from his sister. Then I finally realised Creative Writing wasn’t for me and decided to change my mind, although I had to carry on for the rest of the year I learnt I could.  I went clubbing and hated it and at times I struggled along. If anything I’m most proud of when I struggled, I was doing okay even when things were tough and I was getting little sleep. Finding out I was Dyslexic was also a HUGE thing for me and such a relief.

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December 

The last month of my first semester done already. All my deadlines got closer and I knuckled down to get things done but that wasn’t the most important thing this month. This month kicked off a huge part of my life, No People Club formed and it was the start of me constantly being in Kingston Hill and having some incredible friends I hope I will have for life. Then I headed home for Christmas which I appreciated more than ever (especially with my beautiful camera!) and got a job I loved and the news I’d been offered a part on the teaching course later in the year!

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January 

My Gramps called me at midnight and said ‘Babe, this is going to be your year’ now I know he was right. I decided this was the year I’d pass my driving test and wanted to be more positive. I went to the SU bar more and more with the boys and got into practising, although I was still terrified. I got my first 1st on an assignment, played  gigs with the boys and opened up to them too. I applied for the KUTalent awards, saw You Me at Six and found a fellow mad person in Amy.

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February 

Being me I forgot how to relax..again. So I worked really hard, had quite a few sleepless nights and stressed. I felt lonely too, especially at weekends. But I got so much out of music, Ali and I met We Are the In Crowd ( Twice!!!!) and I took my sister to see Taylor Swift. Little Lexi turning two was hard but we got there and she LOVED her pretty dress. Rhys finally turned 19 ;)  I spent a lot of the month feeling anxious, like something wasn’t quite right but got through it eventually. Then I got the news I’d been shortlisted and after a visit from Mum I finally relaxed.

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March 

Not the best start to the month getting Evacuated and taken to hospital for possible Carbon Monoxide poisoning, lots of long and painful blood tests before Ali could take me home. It sounds silly but then he was all I had and he was absolutely amazing. After sleeping for a few hours after getting the all clear, I got to go out and drive before coming back to the news that I had gotten the Student Ambassador job, something I’d wanted since before we started, which lead to me being PAID to blog, a dream come true. I still didn’t sleep (lucky me) but I did go to the awards. Losing hurt like hell but now I’m fighting to win before I leave! I spent time in the studio with the boys…little did I know the first of many hours. I failed my driving test (again) but felt on top of the world because I’d finally started getting my nerves under control. I took my sister to see Fall Out Boy and went to my last day of classes as a first year (eek!). Despite all of this I was still pretty low, but I had to keep fighting, I spoke at an event for lecturers and felt really proud and then tackled trying to find a flat.

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April 

This month really was mental health based, I found a new love in piano to help me through things, earning my own money was setting me on track and I was able to set up a new plan with doctors when I got really ill. On the positive though I recieved two awards from the English department, I won Academic Contribution in First Year and got commended for Best Overall Performance! I finally got to announce Basingstoke Live, finally found a flat and went home to rest. Two assignments down and two to go, no slowing me down!

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May

This month I found out teaching really wasn’t for me…and that’s ok! I got through it in a Secondary School…something I never thought I’d be able to achieve. I found my place in practice with the boys and really enjoyed it and I got a little better and more confident with the band, recording, gigging, so exciting! . The best part though? After 5 attempts I passed my driving test!!!!!!! The best feeling in the world and the weirdest thing? I celebrated in a social way, drinks with the boys, drinks with my work friends and of course once I got home going out in the car with my sister was something very special.

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June 

Practice, recording, practice recording. My life this month and I loved it (minus getting dropped on the head). I said goodbye to teaching and saw The Fault in Our Stars (falling in love with it), made a cake for my Mum and made some big steps. I went on a night out with girls on my course, we’re now the best of friends and went straight to work the next morning…although at the end of the day I was exhausted I was so proud of myself and had so much fun! Leaving halls wasn’t emotional, I was ready to leave and wouldn’t miss them in the slightest (I like my sleep too much). Rhys came to stay and I actually learned a lot from him. I caught up with old friends and got used to being back in my home town (a big difference from the hustle and bustle of Kingston). Oh and don’t forget the bands teaser video!

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July 

BASINGSTOKE LIIIIIIIIIIIIIIVE. Only one part of this month but something absolutely incredible. Meeting up with friends, quality time with family and travelling to see uni friends. My results finally came back with 3 1st’s and 1 2:1, an average of 71%, a first wahooo! The singles were released and I nearly broke my wrist (again not the best idea).  My baby sister turned 13 too :) Other than that I was pretty bored…

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August 

So here we are, this crazy month. Moving again, Reading Festival, actually going into central London for a night with the girls, taking control of my health and myself, celebrating six years, working like CRAZY, finally getting work experience, sorting out next year and going out with the beautiful Jen and getting ready to turn the big 2 0!

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That’s it a whole year and what a year it’s been. I’m so pleased, so proud and so happy to have done all of this. Thank you to everyone who has been a part <3

Next year going to be crazy. I can’t wait.

 

Chloe :)

 

If you missed any of these or want to read more then click here and it will take you to the list of all my posts for A year in the life of a fresher

 

 

It’s almost the end

30 Aug

I can’t believe it’s been nearly a year since I started this blog. Tomorrow will be my last post as a fresher and from then on I’ll be ‘Surviving Second Year!’ Eeeeek! It’s been so amazing to track everything on here and get to know some of you, I now have 100+ followers on here and it really means a lot to me. I have plans for tomorrows post but for today I just wanted to say thank you for the last year, to every single one of you who has ever read a post, clicked a link. Thank you so, so, much!!!

Recovery

27 Aug

The last two days have seen huge steps for me and have opened my eyes. I’ve thought a lot about recovery from mental health today and I’ve realised that we don’t put a big emphasis on how well people do. I have a lot of friends who are doing great things that make me proud of them it could be something small like taking a walk to make themselves feel better or something huge like  quitting self harming or opening up about their illness. Mental Health is a really personal thing and today I was able to face something huge, one of my biggest triggers.

I had a disagreement recently about my school days, although not always said in the best of ways the message was clear it needs to be a part of my past, not who I am now. So I’m rephrasing that my school days were a big part of me and I don’t want to give them the credit for making me who I am. I battled through and came through the other side. It’s strange but I usually forget that people don’t know here and when I say something people are really shocked, I’m not. Which I suppose means I can’t get mad at the people who saw it happen for not making a big deal out of it, because they’ve seen me so much better and that’s how they chose to think of me. I don’t want to go into huge details about some of the things that attributed to my depression and anxiety but the basic facts are: bullied from the age of 11 on and off, mental and physical, was very ill from the ages of 15-18.

Bank holiday Monday (for my American readers it’s a public holiday…but no one celebrates), I found myself walking into my old secondary school, a huge trigger for me. My chest started to get tight but I kept walking, I was ok then while my Mum queued to get my sisters uniform for the new year I went back to the car. It was here I started to panic, it was as if I could see bad memories…like they were ghosts. I felt sick and just wanted to escape into my iPod (my main coping mechanism at school was blocking the world out with music) Then something incredible happened, the power of my own mind started owning those memories. I started thinking about the good things that happened, I pictured memories I had with Ali at school (after all I never would have met him if I’d never gone), the few friends I had and it started to work.

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The main building

It sounds silly but I looked out the window, sat up straight and said ‘it’s just a building, the building can’t hurt me’. This thing of logical thinking about the past experiences I’ve had is new to me. I was able to stop myself before I got too bad and that’s the best feeling! I did it!

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Just after my 16th birthday, I remember being really poorly when this was taken

Recovery is something that can take a long time and takes different paths for different people. I have weekly sessions and will soon have a plan with goals. Other friends I know have a therapy called CBT, some having medication and others are on a longer plan. My twitter followers have their own ways of coping. When I was at school (above) I really didn’t deal with it well, I wasn’t coping and I’ll admit that openly. I don’t think I started dealing with it until I started uni and had the right medical support.

It doesn’t matter how long it takes, although I’ll be honest I don’t always feel like that. I do want to be ‘normal’ and not have meetings, appointments and doctors appointments but I suppose it’s just a different kind of normal. Just like some people’s normal is shopping for new clothes when they’re recovering from any illness or for other people it’s taking certain things out of their life. Every one is different so rightfully everyone’s illness and therefore recovery will be different.

I want to say: celebrate your recovery, don’t feel ashamed of bad days and good luck.

Chloe :)

Should I Vlog?

25 Aug

I love any type of social media. I do Twitter, Facebook, WordPress, the only two I’m missing are Instagram (because it’s never really appealed to me…and my Dad has it) and Youtube, ok that’s a slight lie. I had a YouTube channel when I was at college but I really wasn’t very good at it BUT in order to be the Social Media Queen I want to me. Mwhahaha, no evil laugh? Damn it.)

Writing is fab for me, I love it but I want to talk to EVERYONE meaning that I might have to undertake Vlogging too. So my loyal readers I want you opinion, once a week my ugly mug on YouTube for the world to see. I don’t know what I’ll talk about, anything and everything I suppose like I used to. One thing I really want though is it to be BETTER than my college ones which were a little bit all over the place and ranty (haha! Just like this blog at times).

I have a lot of favourites on YouTube at the moment, charlieissocoollike and Emma Blackerry being my absolute idols YouTube wise. They seem to do it flawlessly with awesome equipment, beautiful Macs, I hope you don’t all expect that, I currently have my lovely little Toshiba video camera (in Red of course) and my DSA laptop…ok it’s not top spec but it works. I plan to work my way up on this one, if you guys are interested.

So I ask all of you, would you click the Vlog link as long as I promised to still write?

Tweet me, email me chloefmetzger@gmail.com or reply below! If you just want a chat go for any of these as well I love talking to you guys!

My Big Mouth: Reading Festival Friday Review

25 Aug

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Ali and I at Reading Festival

 

 

I was one of the lucky ones who managed to get tickets to Reading Festival this year. As I entered Friday’s sold out arena I had one goal, to come out with an honest opinion of a festival. Now I’ve been to day festivals before, seeing Kids in Glass Houses, Don Broco and Lower Than Atlantis back at Butserfest 2012 was a great moment, playing Basingstoke Live this year was another, but I’d never been to one of the ‘big’ festivals after watching Reading and Leeds for the last few years. So after arriving pretty later I found it easy to just walk in, only having my bag searched (which I found really surprising) and get into the arena and sit at the Main Stage for the majority of the day.IMG_0072

My wristband! 

Blood Red Shoes 

I’d heard of Blood Red Shoes before but I’d never really listened to their music before. They seemed pretty good and I liked their overall sound, something was missing though as I listened. Even with some well matched vocals, a killer female guitarist and all three of them being able to sing. I couldn’t put my finger on it, then I realised there wasn’t a Bass Guitar, which seemed to hinder it a little. I also noticed the difference between their old songs and new songs as they introduced them, the old songs seemed to be a lot stronger, whereas their new stuff seemed a little too repetitive.

Deaf Havana 

I’d seen Deaf Havana acoustic last year and wasn’t disappointed. So seeing them at Reading was one of the main reasons I bought a ticket. The set was different to what I expected, but not in a bad was necessarily. As the set went on the guys seemed to relax, although they shouldn’t have worried. As soon as they began to play, a mix of their new and previous album, people ran towards the stage and a sea of Deaf Havana T-shirts were clearly visible. The fact that they snapped a string didn’t matter to the hundreds of fans they had pulled in and in fact added to what I’d already known – Deaf Havana is full of nice guys who generally respect and appreciate their fans. As if they haven’t gone far, they’re going to go even further still. I did miss hearing some of the older albums but as a lot of the bands I listened to in my early teens, the musics changed and although it is sad, we accept that.

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Main Stage during Jimmy Eat Worlds Set 

Jimmy Eat World 

I was actually pretty disappointed by Jimmy Eat World’ set. It got to the point where I got pretty bored and headed off to the NME stage instead. The performance just seemed kinda average in comparison to some of the other people playing on the Main Stage. Of course when it came to playing their biggest hit The Middle the crowd were dancing and having a great time, that said I don’t know if I’d pay to see them on tour.

Mallory Knox 

I managed to catch the end of Mallory Knox’s set and kicked myself. We got down to watch the last two songs and I wish I’d have gotten there for the start, the place was rammed and the crowd were going absolutely crazy, the boys have slowly but steadily got bigger since I last saw them on the bill at Butserfest 2012. After seeing just two songs I want to get the album and THAT is how you do it at Reading!

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Me between sets 

Enter Shikari 

I was really excited to see Enter Shikari’s set, I’d heard they were incredible live and Sorry you’re not (a winner) has been a top track for me since I was about 15. The music side of the set was fantastic and I don’t think I’ve ever seen a more energetic audience. It was absolutely fab, that was until the rants started, about just about anything. For me becoming a preachy band kind of ruined the set a little bit, I just wanted them to play the songs we know and love! Other than that absolutely fantastic!

Vampire Weekend 

How these guys got to such a high point on main stage I don’t know. Although they had a huge crowd I was so bored throughout, comparing the sounds to those you get on kids TV. Their two most well known songs I liked and recognised but other than that all the music sounded exactly the same with noises made rather than words….I won’t be going to see them again any time soon. Or ever.

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Paramore 

 It’s no secret Paramore are my favourite band. Ever. So as it started to get colder I held on to this while we waited and got a great view of the stage. As usual they were absolutely incredible with fantastic lighting and so much energy that it came through to the audience. We danced, we sang our hearts out that was until the power started cutting out and then it completely cut out. Hayley thought it was because we didn’t want to hear a slow song! When they then realised and couldn’t hear themselves they proved just why they should be Reading and Leeds headliners. They came to the front of the stage with acoustic guitars and said ‘we’re not moving until this is sorted out’ before Hayley sang an acappella version of ‘The Only Exception’ with the crowd. The effect was chilling and something no one who was there will forget. The rest of the set was incredible and possibly the best I’ve ever seen them, including a dinosaur singing Misery Business. It made me proud to be a Parawhore.

 

As the rain started to come in and I started to freeze I headed home rather than waiting through the 45 minute change over for Queens of The Stone Age. Instead I was at home by the time  they started and able to watch their set online which was pretty good but I’m glad I watched it from home.

Reading festival was pretty cool and depending on who’s playing I might be there again next year, give it 5 years and I might even be playing ;)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

An Update on Yesterday

25 Aug

I spent yesterday afternoon acting like a Cyber Squirrel. I curled up with a blanket around me laptop in hand and edited a load of posts for My Big Mouth that I wanted to show you all before going to the pub with the aim to publish them when I got back later in the evening then this happened. 

sick bug!

 

Yep, I had a fabulous night last night, having to run out of the pub and try not to throw up while driving home were particular highlights. I only ask for one evening out in Basingstoke and to top it off, one of the guys I’ve thought was cute since I was 10 years old was sat right by the toilet I had to keep running to to throw up. If I was single that would bother me a lot more than it does now, although come on 10 year old me was dying inside. 

That’s pretty much it. I’m already up and working on getting the posts up today, including Reading Festival Review and A Date with The Doctor. Exciting stuff! 

Sorry guys but today WILL be worth it! 

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