Everthing is going so fast. There are so many things that I need to do or say or think about at the moment and overwhelmed doesn’t even begin to describe how I feel right now. I’ve been tried since Sunday and I’m trying really hard to be positive but little things are knocking me at the moment. Today hasn’t been out of the ordinary waking up, shower, lecture, mental health mentoring appointment again after feeling naff. The problem is there are so many things that are stressing me out at the moment it’s not the simple case of sitting down and working through a problem logically.
You all know I’m a fan of lists so here is one of all the things that are going on now first year is ending
-Starting a new job
-Lack of sleep
-Finding somewhere to live
-Missing my family
-Getting the band ready for a big announcement
-Driving worrys (still haven’t passed)
- Rude People and people expecting too much
No one said uni was easy, I don’t think I’d like it as much if it was but with everything that could possibly be going on happening at the moment I think I’m allowed to be a little stressed at the moment. I feel like a giant clock is sitting above my head and every tick makes me a little more stressed. Should I be stressed? No probably not work wise, I’ve done 90% of it, it’s just one module that I care a lot about which has me stressed and worried even though I’m told I shouldn’t be.
So what did I do to calm down enough to sit down and write this you ask? I spoke to my mental health mentor, made a few calls to get on top of things and I took some me time and not in a way I noramlly would. I went into my kitchen, leaving my phone in my room, and I started to cook. I wasn’t cooking to eat any of it, I just prepared meals for the next week to be frozen and it actually made me eat. It ended up being a kind of therapy I was so focused on cooking I cheered up, I felt on top of things again. Then I just curled up and watched a film while putting some finishing touches to my essay.
Like everyone else, sometimes I need things to slow down, I need to slow down. It’s harder because with my anxiety my mind is racing constantly, it doesn’t stop and then when the depression takes hold of this I start thinking of the worst thing that could happen. I’m getting better at recognising what I need and apparently cooking is something that can help…news to me! Either way I’m working on it, I hate sounding negative but sometimes I just can’t help it. Recording tomorrow..let’s see if that works!
There were so many things I can begin to cross off my to do list today. Over the last few days I’ve noticed a few changes in myself, in a good way. It’s nearing the end of my first working year at university, despite the official end of the year being in June all my classes will be done in 2 weeks come Friday. I have deadlines coming up, which a few days ago I was really stressed about on top of the whole evacuation thing. Today, however, I got some great news which really changed how I feel. I have 75% of both Creative Writing modules done and ready to submit, all of my Writing and Rhetoric module and then I only have my Debates work which is yet to be set.
I’m not writing this to sound smug, I’m genuinely pleased with myself. I’m going to be done with all my work by the end of easter and I’m hoping I can use the rest of that time to work, spend time with friends and hopefully get into London a bit more. I’m also hoping to spend a bit more time working making myself feel good before heading home. I spent today really happy after good feedback and I felt confident enough to go into town and try on some new clothes, my new statement t-shirt ‘controversial’ and treated myself to a few magazines and lunch. I really enjoyed it and It made my good mood last for the majority of the day (until I hit a tiredness wall).
It might not be a huge move for today but I loved just feeling happy and comfortable on my own, which I normally find really difficult. I’m vary aware that this blog might be boring…sorry I don’t have much more to report! Right now I’m looking forward to curling up and watching How I Met Your Mother, I’m exhausted.
I’ve got some amazing news to share with you all. I’m confirmed as a Kingston University Student Ambassador!!! This has bee na job I’ve wanted since I started coming to open days at the uni because ambassadors really do make a huge difference to people applying to uni. I’ve had some fab times with ambassadors, mainly at Headstart in the summer holidays, but I’ve gotten to be good friends with some. So now I’ll be attending training and have my first day on the 15th March! I’m so looking forward to working for the university and being able to help people with my own experiences. Although this won’t be a long blog tonight I’m so incredibly excited and I can’t wait for training next week!!
The current state of my wrist that’s getting darker
So after writing that quick post to say we were getting evacuated last night things to a turn and became quite dramatic. After I writing to you all I popped to my friend Jen’s to have a wee (although we ended up talking and I never got there). My signal dropped out but I wasn’t concerned would wouldn’t be properly evacuated, come on! Apart from the 3 missed calls from my flat mate saying ot ge tback we were all being evacuated for the night, it was Carbon Monoxide.
No one really seemed to know what was going on, we were going to be re housed for the night in Seething Wells. That was the first no no I was anxious as hell it was nearly midnight and I was expected to go to a strangers flat and they couldn’t give us any info about when we were allowed back. I called Ali and he said I could stay with him (although waking him up was a bad idea, he resembles a bear when he’s woke in a bad way). The one proble was I’d started to feel weird and sick so to be on the safe side Jen recommended I call our emergency but not emergency line 111, while her lovely boyfriend Ben carried my bags down the stairs.
Long story short I was told to get to A&E to be safe and after dragging Ali out of bed we were sat in Kingston A&E department and I could not stop shaking. Niether of us like hospitals or needles so the blood tests were fun. I’ll admit I burst into tears but it was just going to be a normal blood test right? Wrong it was going to be one from my artery…that took at least 5 attempts to find it, from my wrist, it felt like my skin was being pulled off at times and I bruised within 2 minutes. Then another test after because they hadn’t gotten enough blood followed by an ECG. Honestly all I wanted to do was curl up and sleep.
Luckily I was discharged and ended up walking 15/20 minutes back to Kingston Hill with Ali which despite everything was actually really relaxing. It was quiet, birds were singing that or my sleep deprived mine was going off on one! We got back at around 3am and I slept like a baby. Right now I’ve had about 6 hours sleep and it’s nearly midnight.
I know this has been a long one and that’s only last night! I went to mentoring, alerted the main student accomodation services and was finally let back in the flat. After that driving, getting my suitcase again and an invite from Jen and Ben to make me dinner and keep me company tonight. So I’m shattered but things could have been a lot worse. Now, to bed!!!
Aside from the internet continuously cutting out I’m having to write this from the halls common room. I’ve only been back at uni for a few hours and an alarm kept going off. We’ve been evacuated from the flat for a possible Carbon Monoxide leak and I’m not sure when we’ll be allowed back, there’s talks of us being relocated tonight… Hopefully I’ll be able to update you all later.
I’m writing this to you from my lovely kitchen table, no not the one that hasn’t been cleaned for a week, I’m finally at home. It was a pretty last minute decision to actually come back. I’d been feeling a little off all week and Ali had assignments to do this weekend, so I decided I might as well come and see the family. I can already see what a difference it has made, I’ve relaxed, I don’t care what I look like and it’s nice just being around my family.
Today was a little stressful, deadlines are fast approaching and they’re all due in the same 2 weeks I think. It’s pretty nerve wracking when my scholarship now depends on how well I do. The worst part? I have to do a group presentation, something which makes me feel sick. I get nervous around people I don’t know, who don’t understand why I get stressed. I’m also a little hurt that some people who I thought would want to work with me already grouped up and forgot about me but I have high hopes for my group.
So when I got back I was tired and more than stressed but in a few hours it’s all kinda melted, I managed a few essay plans and I’m bound to get some reading done (after thankfully avoiding a party night at halls I’ve been told). I’m hoping that after a few days at home I wont be as anxious and I can just get on and get things done!
Me and Mum.
Today my Mum came up to meet me! She turned up earlier than normal so we ended up getting the uni bus, one of my friends actually thought Mum was a student too which made her day. We spent the day wandering around Kingston and got a fab lunch at the Hungry Horse. After seeing Mum today I’ve decided I want to get away and go home this weekend. There’s nothing really to report, we wondered around, ate and then went back to mine before Mum had to catch her train. All I can say now is that I can’t wait to head on home
Buying Mum a pint at lunch!!! No silly wine for us!